Women's Tips

What is emotional blackmail?


“I will die if you gather and leave!”, “What an egoist you are!”. These and similar phrases are familiar to most people. Such language is a powerful way of manipulation, which is called emotional blackmail.

Hearing this concept, any man in the street is likely to be alerted. After all, when the word “blackmail” is pronounced, a picture of horrendous crimes and extortion immediately appears in the mind. Of course, to apply such a term to the actions of a husband, parents, relatives or children is quite difficult. However, Susan Forward is convinced that it is this word that most accurately describes what is happening.

Sometimes the method of manipulation is called a misunderstanding. Nevertheless, a source of disagreement, in the opinion of an American psychologist, is in the actions of a person seeking to achieve his own and do it at the expense of someone else. Misunderstanding called such a difficult. After all, this is a real struggle.

By emotional blackmail, the bestselling author understands a powerful form of manipulation, in which loved ones indirectly or directly threaten their loved one with adversity if he does not do what they need.

Manipulator actions

A person who is constantly confronted with a situation where people close to him with regular periodicity seek various concessions, and he is against their will because of them, it is quite possible that he is a victim of emotional blackmail. In this case, psychologist Susan Forward warns that the requirements may be endless. Emotional blackmailers remain satisfied for a while. The man is inferior to him. He concentrates on the needs of the blackmailer, forgetting about himself. Such an act creates a certain illusion of security that takes place for a while. In this case, the victim believes that she has kept the world, avoiding conflict. However, in reality, what the person considered to be a temporary disagreement or a misunderstanding, for the blackmailer, is a way to allow him to achieve his goal.

Susan Forward divides such manipulators into four types. To each of them, she attributed people with a corresponding behavior pattern. Consider their description in more detail.

Emotional blackmailers related to this type openly make their demands, explaining at the same time the punishment that awaits a person in the event of their failure. In the behavior of "punitive" often manifest open aggression. But sometimes such people achieve their silence. This behavior is passive-aggressive. The main feature of manipulators lies in the fact that their threats and anger are directed directly at the person close to them. For example, a wife can tell her husband that if he divorces her, she will not be able to see the children anymore.

In addition, punishers threaten to make the life of the victim unbearable, being in full readiness to execute the punishment they invented. In his book Emotional Blackmail, Forward notes that parents can often be attributed to this type of manipulator. After all, they have a huge power over their children, even if they have matured a long time ago. Often these parents, "punitive" seek to confirm the effectiveness of their control. They force their adult children to choose between their chosen ones and them.

Sometimes the victim may submit to such pressure by starting the search for a new partner who would suit the parents. But everything turns out to be in vain, since in any person the “punisher” will surely find a flaw. Why does a person become a victim? Susan Forward explains this phenomenon by the fact that it occurs because of close and close relations, when blackmailers infinitely believe, despite the arguments and doubts of reason.


This type of people blackmails with threats that harm themselves if it does not achieve what they want. "Self-Sacrificers" are surrounded by the atmosphere of drama, the threshold of crisis and hysteria. They do their best to be present in the lives of those around them, but they simply cannot take responsibility for their fate. Turning such people to blackmail is always justified from their point of view. At the same time, they place the blame for any difficulty on their victim. According to Susan Forward, this type of manipulator has a real talent to make someone fully responsible for everything that happened to them.

These manipulators make their victim guess what they want, claiming that only this person can give it to them. According to the martyr, a relative or friend should be able to read his thoughts. If this does not happen, then he argues that this is proof of inattention to his personality.

"Martyrs" are silent tyrants. They will not scream and make scenes, but at the same time they will cause pain, embarrassment and enmity.


This type of people in her book Emotional Blackmail Susan Forward describes as the most insidious manipulators. They promise something wonderful to their sacrifice if she concedes to them. It can be love or money, promotion and the like. At the same time, the award to a person seems rather seductive, but he still cannot come to her.

A similar division into types by a famous psychologist was made conditionally. Indeed, in real life, there is no clear distinction in the behavior of manipulators. All of them use different methods and combinations of blackmail, depending on the goal.

Despite the unflattering description of the behavior of manipulators, Susan Forward emphasizes that most of these people cannot be called monsters. After all, the manipulations they carry out are due to their inner vision of life.

Psychology blackmailer

In the first half of his book, S. Forward, with specific examples, shows the reader how emotional manipulation works and why some people are especially vulnerable to him. In addition, the author explains in detail the very principle of the operation of such blackmail and tells what each of the parties wants, and what they get as a result.

S. Forward explores the psychology of the manipulator, pointing out that, despite the division into types, all blackmailers have common character traits that are capable of fueling their behavior. A well-known psychologist explains that these people use the fear of the victim, her sense of guilt and duty, as well as some other tools. All this allows us to understand what drives the emotional blackmailers.

Susan Forward explains to his reader that a common feature of such people is the fear of being rejected, losing power or losing something. The reason for this may be a prolonged feeling of anxiety and its own inadequacy. To turn a person into a blackmailer can any negative events in his life, such as retirement, loss of job, divorce or break with his beloved (loved one). For such people, manipulation of loved ones becomes a means to control the situation, which allows them to feel confident enough and no longer feel insecure and afraid.

The role of the victim

In her book Emotional Blackmail, Susan Forward argues that the blackmailer would not have done so without the help of the one to whom his manipulations are directed. In other words, two are involved in such an action. What is the role of the object of blackmail?

Each person brings in a part of his personal. It can be hostility and fear, insecurity, regret and resentment. They are his vulnerable points, the touch of which certainly brings pain. Emotional blackmail will be effective only if others find out where the person’s vulnerable place is. How to prevent this situation? To do this you will need to become courageous and understand yourself. This will change the relationship with those who are potential blackmailers.

In Forward Susan's book Emotional Blackmail, it is explicitly stated that it is impossible to yield to someone who manipulates you. After all, we only complicate the situation. Submission to the requirements of the blackmailer encourages him. By our concessions, consciously or not, we make it clear to the manipulator that all his actions can be committed in the future.

The price that the victim pays

The speed of the spread of emotional blackmail is similar to a forest fire. Tenacious tentacles of manipulations are able to reach out to any areas of our life. Moreover, making concessions at work, a person may encounter a similar one at home. Here the blackmailers will be their own children. And bad relationships with parents result in negative emotions on a spouse. Thus, according to S. Forward, emotional blackmail cannot be “packed in a box”, which could then be removed somewhere far away.

People who play the role of the victim sometimes copy the stereotype of behavior that makes them suffer. Thus, they themselves gradually turn into blackmailers, starting to pour out their frustration and frustration on someone who is weaker and more vulnerable than he.

Transition to a normal relationship

What will be required to stop emotional blackmail? The authors of many manuals on psychology sought to give their answer to this question. Susan Forward argues that the transition to a healthy relationship between people is primarily in change. The victim must begin to act on her own, and for this she will have to take a step in a new direction.

In the second part of the book “Emotional blackmail”, the author offers the reader a variety of options that allow you to choose the most acceptable solution. All this will allow not to succumb to manipulation, even if in the soul there is fear of consequences. Tips from a famous psychologist will allow a person not to lose self-control and stop experiencing feelings of guilt.

Here, in the second part of the book, the author proposed a questionnaire, explained simple exercises, and also presented scenarios for their use in practice and specific strategic methods of defense.

One of the most important results that the reader can get after reading this book is reducing and managing the feeling of guilt suggested by the blackmailer.

Blackmailer strategy

How to understand that before you is a blackmailer? Usually it is a person who manipulates the main feelings of the opponent - a sense of fear, responsibility, guilt. He is guided only by his own profit and desires, and he does not care about you. To persuade the blackmailed to fulfill his requirements, he skillfully uses different masks, changing images. Among the most common strategies are four:

  1. A “punitive” strategy, during which all the requirements are communicated to the victim, taking into account what happens if a refusal is received. For example: “If you don’t fold the toys immediately, you won’t go for a walk!”, “If you don’t buy me this ring, then I’ll stop loving you!”. Familiar, is not it? At the same time, anger expresses not only speech, but also glance, facial expressions, gestures. And all this acts purposefully on the object of blackmail. In some cases, words are not necessary, rather silently clenched lips and expressively protruding grooves on the cheeks. Strategy is widespread among mummies.
  2. The strategy of "suicide", which is usually resorted to very gifted personality. In most cases, this is a performance, played out according to all the rules of dramatic art, with a glow of passion and an expression of critical tension, aimed at the blackmailed, guilty, in their opinion, in the current situation. “If you don’t come back to me immediately, then I will hang myself!”, “If you don’t need a mother, then I’ll get sick and die!” This category of persons sometimes moves from threats to actions, but mostly they are demonstrative in nature and are not carried through to the end. For example, an insufficient dose of medication is taken or an unsuccessful time and method is chosen. This, of course, is an impressive strategy, often helping to achieve the desired result. The strategy is relevant for adolescents and abandoned wives.
  3. The strategy of the "sufferer". In some cases, it is used, even cause admiration for their professional ability to cause guilt in the unfortunate victim. They floridly set forth their demands, forcing them to “wrestle with their head” in order to realize what the fault is and what the blackmailer wants. For example: "Now, if you understood me ..." or "Real daughters themselves guess ...". The blackmailing of the “sufferer” is accompanied by the sight of the deepest moral and physical suffering that your intentional and unintentional actions or inaction cause to him. “You will drive me into a coffin with your attitude!” He or she exclaims, hinting at a lack of attention, understanding and other things from the opposite side, and your torment to unravel the rebus is regarded as evidence of guilt. This strategy is often resorted to by people in age.
  4. The strategy of the "torturer" is commonly used. This one tests your strength with the help of tests and situations to make sure you are attached to it. All the best qualities of the sacrifice - generosity, compassion, mutual assistance will be in jeopardy. If you are responsive, it will cut off the phone, telling about the problems. If you give a loan, it will always have to and, God forbid, refuse. For the successful completion of testing, all benefits will be promised - values, housing, mention in the will, eternal love, and so on. In the role of blackmailer torturers are the elderly, lovers, spouses and others.

A specially gifted blackmailer resorts to all four strategies, depending on the situation, and is constantly being improved in the matter of emotional blackmail.

Why is this happening to you?

The blackmailer uses the "weak points" of a person, and performs his actions only with the active complicity of the opposite side. What can serve as your "fifth Achilles" for the blackmailer:

  • fear of his anger, and the desire at all costs to avoid a conflict situation, without giving it publicity,
  • the need for approval, in the case of its perception as unconditional authority,
  • constant doubts in their strengths and virtues, with regular criticism of their own decisions and actions,
  • addiction, in the form of money, sex, prospects, career and other things important to you,
  • the traditional feeling of one’s own guilt for the emotions of others, accompanied by the phrases: “It’s my fault that ...”,
  • hypertrophied sense of duty, in most cases to relatives, without regard to their own well-being and health

Methods of opposition

How to deal with blackmail? First you need to find your especially "vulnerable spot" and strengthen it. For example, debunk the authority of the blackmailer, stop being afraid of him, gain material independence, and so on. If you think that this is impossible, then you are very mistaken. With a strong desire in a couple of months, you can achieve a significant result in changing the personality structure, which will definitely be noticed. And without “strings for which you can pull”, blackmail is impossible.

With minor requirements, you can organize a counterstrike using the same method of emotional blackmail. Agree to perform, with a mandatory service in return. For example: "I will help you clean up today, but tomorrow you will help me to cook dinner." Sometimes this approach discourages blackmail as a way to achieve quick results without your own efforts.

If the requirements affect your worldview, your foundations with principles, force you to compromise with your conscience, for example: “You can arrange my wife to go to your factory”, despite the fact that this contradicts your principles, then you should not make concessions. There is blackmail, entailing the most serious consequences, such as a marriage of convenience at the insistence of parents, a change of residence at the request of a spouse with the loss of a good job.

"Preventive measures"

What to do to protect themselves from the influence of the blackmailer?

  1. First, to understand that it was you who created the conditions for emotional blackmail, because you allow people to often threaten you as permitted by you.
  2. Secondly, decide on priorities and become an independent person, and not part of someone else's "ego", unquestioningly fulfilling someone else's minute whims.
  3. Thirdly, to create personal boundaries, for which the entrance to unauthorized persons is prohibited, and to protect them by all means, not allowing outsiders into their emotional territory.

According to the author of the book “Emotional blackmail. Do not let love be used as a weapon against you! ”Susan Forward:“ Emotional blackmail is effective only if we allow others to find out where our vulnerable spot is and react painfully when they touch it. ”

Types of emotional blackmail

There are two types of emotional blackmail:

1. Hints or threats of consequences if you do not do what the blackmailer wants.

Example: “If you don’t pick up the phone again when I call you, then I’ll divorce you.”

2. Подчеркивание страданий, которые вы причиняете своим поведением.

Пример: «Ты не взял трубку, когда я звонила. В итоге у меня случилась истерика и подскочило давление, так сильно я испугалась, что с тобой что-то случилось».

At the same time, a person justifies his words and deeds with good attitude and love to you.

There are many examples:

  • I do this because I care about you and I care.
  • I love you and I want you to be well.
  • If you really loved me.
  • Do not leave me, or me.
  • You are the only one who can help me.
  • I can make your life easier if you are.

It is these words that emotional blackmail takes, according to psychologist Suzanne Forward.

Why there are manipulations and blackmail?

Trying to control the behavior of loved ones, a person actually copes with his states and complex feelings:

  • anxiety
  • fear of loss
  • fear of change
  • fear of being rejected, etc.

Unfortunately, the closest people most often resort to attempts at emotional blackmail. And if you, dear reader, are honest with yourself, then surely you will find this ability in yourself too.

Emotional blackmail: test

Answer the questions that psychologist Susanna Forward brings in her book Emotional Blackmail:

Do people close to you do the following (or maybe you do this to someone?):

1. Promise to complicate your life if you do not fulfill their requirements?

2. Constantly threaten to break off a relationship if you don’t do what they want?

3. They say or hint that they will be indifferent to their health or will lay hands on themselves.

4. Look depressed when you don't do what they need?

5. Want to always get more, no matter how much you give away?

6. All the while waiting for you to give them?

7. Constantly ignore or ignore your needs and desires?

8. Do they give generous promises, associating it with your behavior, but rarely do they fulfill them?

9. Blame you for selfishness, inattention, greed, insensitivity, lack of care, if you do not do what they need?

10. Do they praise you when you give in, and are offended if you do it your way?

11. Use money as a means to achieve their goals?

If you positively answered at least one question, it means that you are blackmailed with the help of subjective experiences.

Emotional blackmail: is there life afterwards?

Recently, during the consultation, I heard: “How can I begin to communicate with my mom in a different way, if I have been talking only this way for 30 years? It will look weird. ”

Of course, if your relatives are accustomed to a certain format of communication, and you suddenly begin to change it, they will be at least surprised.

Be prepared for the fact that people who are accustomed to emotionally blackmail you will take offense at you and get angry if you suddenly stop responding to manipulations and begin to live your life.

As an alcoholic who suddenly stopped drinking, will never find support from his drinking friends, so you will remain misunderstood if you stop being led to emotional blackmail.

But is this a reason to continue doing things that harm physical and emotional well-being?

Is it a reason to abandon their interests and, ultimately, their lives?

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